Adam & Eve
By MaxOut

Sometimes I find it hard to fathom the need you humans have to idealize everything. Parables and stories for everything; it's almost like you can't handle the pure, unadulterated truth about anything. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I've made up my mind to clear up a few misconceptions.

First off, let me please introduce myself; I am that "fallen" angel with so many names. I've been called devil, Satan, Lucifer, which just goes to show you that the mass of humanity one, does not pay attention to the written word of the old testament, and two, hangs whatever name it wants on anything considered evil. I am not going to get into just what constitutes evil, for that is just a matter of perception and probably beyond the comprehension of most humans, but let me just say this: in most instances you've got it all wrong.

For example, I've been called the fallen one, as if I was the only one. Wrong, wrong, wrong. There were several of us, God's angels, who were cast aside and banished from his presence. I am only one of many, although I must take the blame for instigating the rebellion that ended with our banishment. My name is Lucifer. Satan, my brother angel, was also cast out, as were Beelzebub and others. The notion that I am the prince of darkness and the ruler of "hell" is preposterous, although I certainly wish that there were such a place of eternal suffering for you humans.

You see, what this is really all about, I must admit, is jealousy. Not pride as has been reported so many times, but simple, plain jealousy. You must understand what it was like before you humans managed to captivate Him so completely. Millennium after millennium, time without end we angels basked in God's grace. We were his faithful servants, builders of the heavens and all that dwelled in it. We angels were content to be the architects of His good works. If he was pleased by our efforts, then we were pleased as well, needing no greater thanks than His smile at a job well done. Then, things turned sour.

I believe that it was Uriel who came up with the bright idea of populating a small planet with some insects who vaguely resembled ourselves. It was a simple construct, no great abilities either physical or mental. Just playthings really, kind of like ragdolls, but for some reason, after we had produced the first pair, He was so amused by them that he had us spending all of our energies constructing a proper playground for them. All manner of beast, flora and fauna were created for their little oasis, just so He could watch their interaction with them.

He became obsessed and we became disgruntled. Here we were, the shining light of creation, being set on a shelf because He was amused by the antics of the small-minded pair. A proper analogy of the situation would be that we angels were the beautiful movie star and faithful wife whose husband started spending all his love and efforts building an ant farm. It got to be just too hard to swallow, especially since it was we who created you, and we who had to create all the little things to make you humans happy.

I suppose one could argue that since, as usual, we had done a great job in creating an "Eden" for you, and since He was pleased with the effort, then that should have been praise enough for us, but it was just too sickening to watch Him wasting all his time watching you. I mean, it was as if He was content to be a couch potato watching bad television.

It was the same day after day. The Lord saying, "Oh look, the humans have learned to count their fingers and toes. Oh look, the humans have realized that a unicorn doesn't have toes. Isn't it just great that the humans love me so, and are so happy there in their playpen." I couldn't stomach much more, so I decided to stir the pot just a little, suggesting a little test of their "love" of God. I put forth that there should be something withheld from the humans, and by their obeyance of the Lords' ordinance, their love and respect for Him would become all the more evident. God was skeptical, but then relented, as long as we angels didn't make the test too hard on the simple-minded humans. Easily done.

We decreed that of all the fruits and berries available to the humans that they were to be denied just the one; it was God's will. All you silly humans had to do was deny yourselves one simple pleasure, which of course was beyond your meager abilities.

Let me digress a moment here to clarify a few salient facts. First of all, I've seen all of your lovely paintings of Adam and Eve and the garden. What a crock! Yes, the garden was lovely. Of course it was; that was our handiwork, but the whole thing with the snake and all; totally bogus. I suppose one could argue that since it was my idea to test the will of you humans, then symbolically your fall could be attributed to me, but it certainly was of your own free will, and had nothing to do with any sweet talking on my part. No, moreover it was simply a further exhibit of your lack of self-control, your greed, and your gluttony.

Let me explain a few things that might not be apparent to your simple brains. You've painted an idyllic picture of Adam and Eve in the garden; how pretty and serene it was and how Adam and Eve wanted for nothing. That is surely correct, and it was our job as the Lord's servants to keep it so. They had everything imaginable and in abundance, all right there at hand. So what do you think happened over the innumerable years that were spent in Eden before your stupid mistake? All of your paintings show Adam and Eve as fairly representative examples of your kind; but that is so wrong.

Truth be told, what with every kind of fruit and berry imaginable right at their fingertips, and each one a perfect example of the sweet and juicy, the pair could partake to their hearts' content; and as they had no notion of whether they should or shouldn't, they ate whenever they felt like it, which was all the time! They grazed just like mindless animals. 'Yumm, that peach was delicious. My, those grapes look good, and those plums over there, yes, I'll have some of those too.' Day after day, year after year of just sitting around and eating all that literally fell into their gaping mouths. How can you possibly imagine that Adam was buff and that Eve had kept her figure?

To the contrary, by the time Eve took a bite of the proverbial apple, the pair were both so incredibly obese that they could scarcely move. Adam had large fleshy breasts like a woman, riding atop his ponderous belly. His butt was huge and yet his spindly legs were barely able to support his bulk.

Eve was even worse, always being the more gluttonous of the two. She had more chins than a Chinese phone book. Her mammaries so obscured by pounds of flab that they seemed to be just another in a series of rolls that started with those chins. Her belly arced out from her ribcage and then collapsed under its' own weight to hang down between her immense thighs like a sack of grain. Her hips flared out obscenely and her rear had grown to immense proportions, travelling both up her backside and sinking in layers of fat almost to her knees. She was so incredibly round that she was wider than she was tall; her wattle covered arms virtually useless appendages, hanging akimbo, pushed to the sides by the great bulk of her body. In truth, her arms looked similar to those of the T-rex dinosaur, and were just as useless.

Still, they just laid there and ate and ate; and really, why shouldn't they? They had no worries, no cares, nothing to really think or care about. In fact, little more than cows grazing in the fields, endlessly chewing their cuds and making not even the slightest attempt to use what little brain power they possessed. And yet still our Lord was enamored of them to the point of ignoring we who had worshiped and served him for eons.

You humans have written that the devil had it all and threw it away because of pride. Bull! You are the ones who had everything. You had a world with no cares, no illness, no pain. You had all the tastes and sensory input with no guilt or shame. You had God's love and his adoration. And yet you couldn't manage to keep your gluttony at bay. You just had to wonder what that forbidden fruit tasted like. You salivated. You dreamed of it, even though all the other fruits were there to be had in any abundance you desired. And now, in your revisionist doctrine, you have the nerve to place the blame on me. Did I introduce pain into your world? No. Do I revel in it? Wouldn't you?

So you partook of that one forbidden fruit, you just couldn't help yourselves. But held within that Trojan Horse of knowledge was a virus that has corrupted your very souls. I see how you now are so nutrition conscious and always dieting to try to remain thin and I laugh at the irony. Oh yes, I see that you are still paying for that original sin. You have lost your way and have even forgotten what that state of grace was like. Never very bright were you?